The tragic comedy of Taliban rule (again)

 

They say tragedy and comedy are two sides of the same coin. Right now, August 18 2021, it’s the two sides of a nice, round afghani coin. In the past two days I have done heaps of research (so in this economy, I’m practically an expert), and oh, what a terrible, hilarious situation it is. 

 First, some background. In the 1980s, the United States of America funds the mujahideen in Afghanistan in its 9-year fight against Soviet invasion. After the Soviets are kicked out, there’s chaos. In 1994, the Taliban forms, comprising of bearded men with no sense of humour and some mujahideen, who’ve had humour beaten out of them. This band of guerrilla fighters decide, hey we’d love to have some real orthodox Sharia law governing this land and declare Afghanistan an Islamic Emirate. In 1996, they win control of the country. What follows is a brutal regime of oppression, violence and suffering. 

 Then on September 11, 2001, a few planes crash into some towers in America and the world goes nuts. Osama bin-Laden is found cruising with the Taliban, but the lads don’t want to give up their mate, and so America decides to invade Afghanistan to drive the Taliban out. And for a while, they think they’ve won. They install a democratic, moderate president and stay to help Afghanistan in its “nation building process”. The Taliban meanwhile decide to go for a little hike in the Pashtun mountains and continue the good fight from there whenever they feel like. 

 This good fight lasts for 20 years. Long. Dragging. The ‘forever war’. In April 2021, America decides to leave- Uncle John has had enough. And now they weren’t there for “nation-building”- despite the 88 billion dollars spent training Afghan soldiers in war. I mean, more than 40,000 Afghan civilians, at least 60,000 Afghan military personnel and around 3500 international soldiers dead. Chaos and destruction. Children who have never known peace. Not there for nation building sounds about right.

 Meanwhile, the Taliban have decided that they’ve had enough hiking and regroup. They’d already been gaining some popular support. Their Sharia courts are doing way better than state courts in some districts. They’ve been making bank- from the drug trade and mining (and other, more “stately” sources, if y’know what I mean). Pretty soon, they go from being known as a ‘terrorist’ organisation to a group of ‘fighters’. Talk about a massive promotion. And now, America is leaving. 

 August 6, 2021, the comeback begins. They begin taking over their first capitals. In a week, they’ve taken Kandahar and Herat. How thrilling! The (former) President Ashraf Ghani tells the people of Kabul there is no way the Taliban would take over. The Afghan forces are too strong. They’re trained by Americans, for God’s sake, they will stay for practically FOREVER. 

 Next thing you know, he’s run away (hence, former President). And the Afghan forces have either lost to, joined, or been prevented from fighting the Taliban because there’s been a ceasefire. Must have been some pretty unsatisfactory $88 billion training. By August 16, the Taliban have taken Kabul. 

 Now this. Taliban fighters sit sprawling in the President’s palace in Kabul. Their members relax at the table, with their scruffy bears and radios, casually manhandling machine guns. They remove the Afghani flag and chuck it in the corner, on top of the fireplace, all rolled up and worn. They seem almost bored. Maybe that’s the feeling you get when you’ve been fighting your whole lives and now you’ve won. Plain old boredom. 

Bored looking Taliban members

 Surely the Taliban can’t be all bad. After all, they had a lot of time to think, hiking in the mountains. Women have nothing to fear from the Taliban regime, spokesperson Zabiullah Mujahid says, they respect women’s rights. “Women shall be allowed to be educated and work, shoulder to shoulder with men”. Wow, how considerate! Of course, they must wear a hijab (and can potentially be stolen like property, if single), but that goes without saying. No need to panic. It’s just Sharia law. 

 Men must grow beards. No worries. Maybe a bit of a worry for young Rayyan here as he struggles to grow out his non-existent fluff, but for the rest of us, alright then. The Taliban should invest in a good ad campaign for beard oil. Want to grow out a full beard like a man (and not be beheaded)? Buy the new ‘Taliban beard oil’. Smells like Sharia! No need to panic. It’s just Sharia law. 

 It was no music, pictures, art and dance during the last Taliban regime, and I hope that doesn’t happen again. But I doubt it. Good luck telling the kids in Kabul to give up their iPhones. Some of them are even trending on Snapchat. Looks like Sharia law might have to bow down to the new Allah- Silicon Valley. 

 But no need to panic. It’s just Sharia law. 

 But what about the toll on the Afghan people? Having lived through a constant state of war for 20 years in the hope of finding respect, dignity and opportunity at home, now this could be taken away from them (again). Imagine the anger- at foreign powers for perpetuating the situation, for the incompetence and corruption of Ghani’s government, for the disruption to their lives. Imagine the fear- as women and children are being hidden away- the uncertainty of what comes next. Imagine the sadness. The betrayal. The shock. No wonder we got the hordes climbing onto the wheels of the planes, risking their lives to escape, as the West and its dignitaries calmly float away. 

 So now, after so long, it’s been left to the Afghan people to decide what they want. Not really consensually, but in geopolitics, you win some, you lose some. While the world watches in horror and apprehension, this Taliban says they’ve turned over a new leaf. Taliban 2.0. A more moderate Sharia law (although they’re keeping the amputations). They say they serve the citizens of Afghanistan (although not those citizens unable to grow beards). They say women can have jobs (what?) and the press shall be allowed to criticise them (WHAT?!) And they follow an archaic, violent interpretation of the Quran that doesn’t really have a place in our interconnected, interdependent world and the collective challenges we face. 

 So, will it work? Will this see Afghanistan ravaged and torn apart, a mass exodus of limbs and desperation, or will this be one of the greatest comeback stories ever told, a nation rebuilt without foreign interference? We are witnessing history in the making, but these days, we always are, and oh look, here’s another bit of news that’s caught my attention, see you in another two days…

Written on August 19, 2021